Quick note
I was too exhausted yesterday after my session to do much of anything but sleep. Thankfully I was too exhausted to have any strange lucid / astral / out-of-body dreams.
Before the accident, I would have read something like this and thought the person should be comitted. I'm not completely convinced this isn't an option...
I was able to get the thumbs up from my physical therapist yesterday to drive again. The neurologist said that I was cleared from that side as well, so I'm going to finally get the new car. I've been checking the site out daily on the new Mazda RX-8. I was a little uncertain at first if I wanted to go with the same kind of car as before, but it was a done deal when I saw this car...
I'll be picking it up later today. Next week I'll be stopping into my broker office to meet with my manager and see about going back to work. For those of you that don't already know, I'm in the mortgage business. I've had a lot of my clients sending me cards and flowers. They apparently don't like working with my manager any more than I do. It's nice to be loved...
Dream Analysis
I’m getting ready for my physical therapy session. I have a little while to wait before I have to head out. I wanted to expand upon my message from yesterday.
I read more about lucid dreams and I’m not sure this is an applicable description. The site listed that you can control what happens in the dream and change things to be a different dream. This hasn’t been happening. The example I gave before is only one of the times I’ve had this happen.
It’s more like I have been transported somewhere else while I’m sleeping. I think the term was astral projection or an out of body experience. These descriptions don’t seem to fit all that well, but are closer than the lucid dream description.
I discovered more strange things late last night that I’m not sure how to write about yet. Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy, or wonder if I incurred some kind of brain damage from my accident. Whatever it is, it scares me to no end.
If anyone has any ideas or experiences like this I'd really like to know. I'm flyin gblind, but at least the internet is giving me some kind of guidance.
I’ll try to write more later after my session.
Lucid Dreams
Ever since my accident I have had some of the strangest dreams of my life. What was more odd than anything about these dreams is that I’d remember them vividly as if I had actually lived through these experiences.
Here’s an example:
I’m sitting at a rough wooden table in a log cabin in the middle of the woods drinking some kind of tea from a hand-made cup. I can tell that it is hand made for the color of the dark clay that formed it and the distinct abnormalities in it that gives it the rustic look of a hand made object.
Across from me is a large fireplace with a fire burning within. A medium sized kettle was suspended above the fire emitting the scent of some kind of roasted meat. It didn’t exactly remind me of the scent of my mothers Sunday roast beef, or “Roast Beast” as my father used to call it, but similar enough to tag it so.
I turned my head to the right and notice a window with what looks like burlap tied back to let in the light of the setting sun. My head throbs from the quick change of light and I put my hand to my head where I find it wrapped tightly with some kind of cloth. The pain increases as I explore the rough bandage and realize that my injuries have followed along with me. Into my dreams…
I sat back further in the chair as the realization sinks in that I’m in a dream. I had never been in a dream where I realized that I was dreaming and then stayed in that same dream.
Upon further research, I found that this was called Lucid Dreaming. At least to a certain extent… I guess within lucid dreams you can change things and actually control your dream. Mine didn’t really seem that way to me. It was almost as if I was living a completely different life and time. I’m telling you it was weird!
I woke up after I realized that I was dreaming, but the memory sticks with me as if I had actually lived it. It hasn’t faded like most dreams do…
The Coma
After the coma I had a hard time during my recovery. They tell me that my short-term memory had been affected by the accident. Although I remember nothing of the accident and pieces of my stay in the hospital, everything is just kind of hazy.I recall pretty much everything from my previous 24 years of life. I guess as much as anyone else can recall. But from the accident which was now a year ago until about 2 months ago has been hazy and filled with strange dreams.My therapist Gina recommended I write in a journal to stimulate my brain activity. “Exercise for the mind” is how she put it. I say it ‘s another way of saying diary. My friend David recommended that I start this blog to work through the head trauma and make the recovery process go more quickly. Blog sounded a lot better than Diary to me but I know I’m only deluding myself on this.What I’m really hoping to get out of this is something more than just exercising my mind. I need to write out all of my activities and experiences so that I can work through everything. I have been having off the wall dreams and thoughts entering my mind from nowhere that make absolutely no sense to what I’m doing at the time. It confuses and scares me to no end. I’ve mentioned these things to Gina a number of times and she said that this is not uncommon considering the type of injury that I sustained. It still freaks me out.
Starting out...
I've never kept a journal or diary before. On suggestions from others I've decided to put my recent experiences up on a blog to help deal with the situations that I've found myself in. I'll be posting more information soon.
The Accident
I guess I’ll start out with my accident. I can only write what I have been told because I don’t remember any of it. In fact, I don’t even remember getting into the car that night. I remember having dinner with my girlfriend and dropping her off at her house. We had to call it an early evening because she had an early exam the next morning. I recall the kiss goodnight, as sweet as ever, and leaving her driveway.
The next cognitive moment I had was of my brother yelling for a nurse and tubes protruding from my arms. I was in and out of it for a long time. I’d see my parents for a while close my eyes and then my brother sitting in the chair reading. Closing my eyes seemed to put me out for at least a half hour at a time. Every time I closed them I’d see someone different.
As I said before this phase of my recovery was and still is very hazy. I try not to think about it much. I’ve been considering posting some photos of me and the accident scene. Both are not very pretty. I don’t think I want to post any of those photos yet. The thought of having people see those on my blog creeps me out. I don’t want anyone’s pity.
As for the car… my poor car… It was a completely mangled beyond my recognition. I couldn’t even tell what model car it was. In my mind it will always be the new shiny Mazda RX8. Unfortunately it was new, then smashed, now gone…
I think my brother took this picture. I don’t recall for sure. He was the one that gave it to me anyway. The official police report stated that it was raining. (I vaguely recall it being a rainy night) and that I lost control on the freeway smashing into the rear of a tractor trailer. I never saw pictures of the accident scene but from the looks of my car, it doesn’t seem too far from the truth.
They said that I was lucky that my seat broke loose from the impact because I was pushed along with it into the back seat. If it would have stayed in it’s spot I wouldn’t have had much left above my shoulders.
I was left with a pretty nice scar that runs over the top of my head. It starts about an inch above my left eye and goes nearly to the back of my left ear in the shape of a large C. thankfully my hair has grown over most of the scar. I’m not comfortable posting any pics of this yet… We’ll see how I feel about that later.
My left leg was broken in three places. Two above the knee in the femur and one just below the knee. I now have all kinds of metal screws and plates holding my bones together. I kind of feel like the Bionic Man… without all the cool powerful gizmos installed.
Tomorrow I’ll post the real reasons that I’m writing up this blog. I was fortunate enough to have a cool techie brother who bought me a new laptop to do blogging and surf the web from my bed while I heal. What a great brother!
